In the midst of the current celebration of the NBA’s impending return, I hate to be the one to complain. I really am as excited as the next nerd to once again be able to spend my evenings watching Sacramento play Minnesota on some grainy European feed that crashes every five minutes and is called entirely in Spanish or to alienate my non-basketball friends (which are most of them) with a near-shouting match at a crowded restaurant about how many rebounds Marcus Camby averaged in 2008 (13), but I am genuinely a little miffed about a few aspects of this new CBA.
So here’s a fake interview I did with David Stern:
Me: Mr. Stern, regarding these new amnesty and stretch provisions, which respectively allow teams to completely remove bad contracts from their salary cap ledgers and extend such contracts across more than twice their original length for salary cap reduction purposes, aren’t these provisions a direct insult to teams like the Rockets that’ve been fiscally responsible with player signings? Why is the NBA rewarding teams with bad business models that have consistently signed players to unreasonable contracts while effectively punishing well-managed teams? Isn’t this a lot like the Wall Street Bailout of 2008? What if I were to organize an Occupy David Stern? What would you do then? Huh? Well, that’s exactly what I’ll do, starting right now. Can you hand me that piece of cardboard and sharpie behind you? Thanks. We’ll see how you big executive types like this.
David Stern: Well, first of all, let me just say that I’m honored to do this interview with you, Eric. We’re always excited to participate in the expansion of the basketball dialogue on the internet, and as a side note I should say that I very much like that tie you’re wearing.
Me: Thanks.
David Stern: In regards to your question about the new CBA, what we’re trying to do is create an atmosphere in which all teams feel they can compete. We want to foster equality for the teams, the players, and the fans. Don’t you believe in equality, Eric?
Me: I do, but…
David Stern: Of course you do, and that’s why we feel that this new CBA is the best contract we’ve ever negotiated. We, Adam Silver, the owners, and I, believe in fairness, and we believe that fairness not only helps our teams compete but also helps our players feel competitive. It helps ensure they have a reason to wake up in the morning, other than their generous contracts, because money isn’t everything in this world, and we want our players to feel like they have an advantage over the other players and the players of other sports and their fans.
Me: …
David Stern: We hope that you share our enthusiasm, but if not, that’s ok, too. Differences of opinion are important in basketball as they are in the world at large. I have to say, it was very nice talking with you today. We appreciate all of your hard work and wish you and your colleagues at Red94 the best of luck.
Me: Thank you, Mr. Stern, but I was still hoping to…
David Stern: I do unfortunately have to run, but if you contact my publicist, I’d be glad not to answer any other questions you may have.
I don’t know about you guys, but, personally, I feel a lot better.
