Sitting on my front porch last night, I was talking with my neighbor who at some point suggested she was thinking of getting into sports. She said she’d like to have something to pay attention to, something to care about. She knows I’m a basketball fan and claimed the biggest obstacle to her interest is the fact that she just hates athletes, saying they remind her of politicians.
My first instinct was obviously to defend sports in general and basketball specifically, but as I rolled into my standard argument about the beauty of its fluid movement like dance and about how much more honest sports are as human drama than say your average 22 minute sitcom, I stopped myself.
Why should I try to convince her to value a thing that currently doesn’t even exist? Why should she (or any of us) care about childishly squabbling (b)millionaires who are daily demonstrating how much they don’t care about the people who fill their bloated bank accounts? Why is it that I spend so much of my time (time I could spend learning about physics or paleontology or curing a terrible disease like polio or maybe one that hasn’t been cured yet) watching, thinking, and reading about basketball?
To solve this existential sports dilemma, I’ve decided to do the most rational thing and make a pro/con list.
PRO
-Dirk’s crazy troll face and lion hair
CON
-The fact that I will never ever make my own uncomfortable whiteness and awkward jump shot look 1/20th as cool
WINNER: Dirk’s crazy troll face! +1 for Basketball
PRO
-It’s something I can talk to my family about that’s not politics or religion
CON
-I should probably be talking to them about more things than just sports
WINNER: Having a familial relationship that’s not completely superficial. -1 for Basketball
PRO
-NBA Player/Rappers (Exhibits A, B, C, D, E, & F)
CON
-Is there anything bad about this?
WINNER: Everyone! +1 for Basketball
PRO
-Passion for something wholly arbitrary that can’t actually screw up my life if it goes wrong
CON
-Being dumped by girls who claim I care more about basketball than I do about them
WINNER: Tough one. Basketball’s pretty fun to care about. Push
PRO
-The Dwayne Wade – David Stern finger pointing showdown
CON
-Holy crap, am I really going to be streaming European games in three months?
WINNER: As much as I love a good victory for the proletariat, I also would like to see pro games played in America before the end of the Mayan calendar. -1 for Basketball
DECISION: I should probably find another hobby.
